I want to grow up I'm 4 years old, still stumbling when I run, brushing my teeth barely able to reach the sink, eye height with everything straining to see, I just want to be older, yet I don't know what that means. Hand in hand with my mom as we cross the street, grocery shopping after school was always a treat. As I grow and I grow inch after inch I will quickly soon realize life has some twists I'm 7 years old now picking out my own outfits, blue jeans with butterflies, tying up my hair frizz. Sneaking moms lipstick, and wearing her clothes I just want to be older but the truth is unknown I know it all at this point or at least that's my thought mom guides me through everything at her side I was taught when i want to be tall i think of dad how he's not but when i want to be strong that's something he's got. Now 12 years old, first day of middle school, walks in always thinking of the golden rule. Not walking in a straight line elementary school is behind me. I'm in middle school now. I'm older, don't you see? I’m learning gymnastics, flipping and flying free. We all yearn to be older, everyone including me. High school next, everything becomes complex, more work, less extensions, my papers not done, I haven’t even begun, it’s already due my brain is askew, but I still want to be older, don’t you? sophomore year, yet still don’t feel older Multiple notebooks and mechanical pencils of every color. New school i’m excited a new flame that’s ignited, can’t wait to be older as things start to get colder Being old is an illusion, transformed by the heart we soon want to be younger, but that’s just the start. I want to be younger, play in the grass, kiss my mom goodnight, and be excited to get gas. I want to be younger, I've realized the truth. I want to be sad when I lose my first tooth. I want to grow down don’t you see, I want to be a kid again curious and free.
The Cosmic You
Introduction: Mankind has many stories to explain humanity. Our making and existence on this place we call Earth has only been explained by us ourselves. We are the only species that has changed things rapidly, we are working against ourselves and our world. We once worked for everything, but our world has gone through millenniums of fighting and war, when will we learn to fight with each other instead of against each other?
Creation: We hold more power than we think.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Darkness consumed the earth, but as the spirit of God moved over the earth he said “let there be light” and there was light, he separated the light from dark calling them day and night. On the second day, God made a dome around the earth and called it the “sky” and on the third day, he commanded the water to accumulate to a certain spot to create dry ground calling it “land” and the water “ocean”. He commanded fruits, vegetables, grain, and trees to grow to create vegetation on the land. Day number four, God made two powerful lights one brighter for the day and one dimmer for the night. He made stars, and seasons, days, and years. On the fifth day, he made sea creatures to swim peacefully filling the sea, and birds to soar high in the sky. He then created mammals, tame animals and wild animals roamed around the vegetated soil. And from dust came two complex beings conscious of their existence, made in his image; man and woman. God blessed them and gave them power over every biotic and non-biotic thing on earth. He gave them food, water, tools, shelter, everything they needed to survive, they just had to work for it. He told them to have lots of children knowing that the children would have everything needed to grow up successfully and healthy. On the sixth day when the heavens and the earth were finished, God looked at what he had done and saw that all of it was very good so finally, on the seventh holy day, blessed by himself, he rested. About two years ago I was a full Christian, I went to three youth groups a week, church, bible study, praying, I did it all. During this time I was in foster care and I felt I didn’t have anyone to turn to. Believing in God is pretty easy, you put your hopes and dreams into an unknown form made up by humans, All you have to do is believe and have “faith in the lord” and your told everything will be okay. But whether you decide to believe in God or not shit will always happen, good or bad cause that’s just life. I believe that there is most definitely, a higher power or energy that created our world, I mean it’s honestly it’s mind-blowing, looking at the earth and stars it’s obvious something better than us created it. But I refuse to try and communicate with or worship a being that hasn’t had contact with earth since it was made. We are unreliable bias sources so how can we believe in something yet to be proven, only predicted by humans. Everything we know about religion and the creation of our world is what if. Humans will always need proof, an explanation for everything. Except for religion, the concept of worshiping Gods has been put into our brains from Judaism (14 century BCE) to Christianity (current day), we’ve truly been brainwashed since day one. There are way too many different religions begging all men and women to listen. We still have a choice so we think we're in control but I truly think our government created religion, people need something to look up to, to believe in, but we don’t realize the impacts our society has on our understandings and beliefs until we either start asking questions or avoiding them. Although I no longer believe in God my year of belief in him helped me grow my understanding of the universe and how I choose to perceive it.
Rights of Passage: You won’t learn to appreciate anything until you’ve lost everything.
Friday, March 7, 2016. My 7th-grade year, I waltzed through the hall with my best friend looking to get to my next class. When we got to the intersection in the hall, she chooses the ramp leading to her class and me the stairs leading to mine. One last glance, and a quick goodbye. Now walking alone seeing fellow students here and there, pairs of teachers talking about school or whatever they talk about. I turn the corner with an uneasy feeling in my stomach only to bump into my school counselor. With a slight discomfort look in her eyes, she said, “ hey, Brittan I’ve been looking for you”. “Why”? I questioned. “Can you come to the office with me there are some people that need to talk to you”. I agree and slowly walk with her, anxiously waiting for her to speak, but nothing, not one word. When we get to the conference room in the office I look around the room surprised to see my little brother, a police officer and a couple of other people I didn’t recognize. I looked at my brother, he was wearing sunglasses but I could tell he had been crying, his nose pinkish red irritated from sniffling and his lips in a slight pucker. I sat next to him awaiting the unknown news that made him hurt. My future case worker broke the concrete wall of silence, “Hi Brittan I’m Katie and I’m here to pick you and your brother up, your parents aren't able to take care of you to their full ability so you and your siblings will be staying with Jackie and Tyler your temporary foster parents”. My stomach dropped what did she just say, foster parents?! My mind was racing now, thoughts flowing faster than the whirlpool rapids. I knew exactly why this was happening, my parents were unfit guardians, but I didn’t want to be taken away from them. As I sat there mind blown in silence I felt my brothers pain, I wanted to comfort him, I knew he needed it. Everyone stood up before my brother and I. Once I stood, knees wobbly he did too. We walked out first, being pointed in the direction of the exit even though school wasn’t over. I walked toward the double doors hoping the P.E. class wasn’t outside. I stared at the football field 20 feet away, watching my classmates play capture the flag. Spotting my best friend at the same time she spots me I start tearing up. I try and hold myself together like a broken leg with no cast. Nevaeh runs up to me starts to ask the question I just got the answer to. Before she says anything I give her a hug and tell her I'm going to foster care, I was supposed to go to her house after school but I’m being rushed so I tell her bye and continue walking with my brother. We rode with Katie to the Tech center, my little sister and baby brother were there too, the only one missing was my oldest brother. We met Jackie first, her husband was at work when we got to our “new home”. She showed us the house, made dinner, and took care of my little brother. I was not used to this at all. I usually cook, clean, and take care of my siblings. It was scary for me to let someone take care of me and my siblings. When Tyler got home we ate dinner together at the same table and talked about our days. They answered any and all possible questions they could about the situation we were put into. When dinner was over I started washing dishes like I always did. Jackie said, “it's not your job to wash dishes, just be a kid.” Be a kid? I thought about it for a long time. I’ve always been grown up, always had to help around the house, and with my siblings, but she was telling me not to worry about things I'm going to have to worry about for the rest of my life. She was right, I needed to worry about my favorite pair of jeans ripping or bad hair days not what I'm going to cook for dinner or what I’m going to use for my brother's diapers if we run out. We went to parks, and concerts, different states, and towns experiencing life without worries. Always feeling safe and content, even when I wasn’t okay. I was happy but I missed my ghetto ass family, I missed talking back to my mom and my dad's crazy humor. I missed my brother who had a scientific explanation for anything and everything. It's been almost a month, supervised visits and home meetings are going good, schools good I've raised all my B’s to A’s reaching a 4.0 GPA. Wake up, go to school, go to the boys and girls club until Jackie and Tyler get off work, as always. We head back to the house, the car ride the same as always. We drop our bags in our rooms and go to the living room. My sister sits and reads her book in our room, As my brother and I sit down Jackie and Tyler pull up chairs to sit across from us. Jackie looks at her phone and says, “do either of you know Cody Ledford”. My brother responds first, “yeah he’s on my wrestling team”. I said, “Yeah of course that kids a homie.” she talks slowly as she says, “I just got a phone call, from your school, Cody took his own life this morning.” I started tearing up trying to hold my shit together until I got to my room but the tears dove out of my eyes unexpectedly. I wiped my eyes and without saying anything walked to my room. Curling up on my bed, I broke down feeling pain in every inch of my body, I wanted to punch something to see if the physical pain was better than the psychological pain. It fucking hurt, it hurt bad. I laid awake all night wondering what the hell was happening if this was real, It was so hard to believe. He was such a happy kid, he hung out with everyone, he never stuck to one group he knew everyone and everyone knew him. That kid was so radiant he lit up the room with his presence. The next day at school was a pool of tears and mixed emotions. This incident triggered memories for other people, so even if people were not upset about Cody they were about something or someone. I cried enough for the rest of the year by the end of the day. I held my shit together the rest of that week trying hard not to think about it too much. When Saturday rolled around It was time for his funeral. I walked up to the crowded church overflowing with people. Almost our whole school was there I signed in and stood in the back watching the hopeful service with confidence. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but, when his dark brown casket, with gold trim, was slowly carried down the long aisle of the church my emotions lowered then came flooding in harder than a tidal wave. The tears were really flowing now, and not just from me. As soon as we realized he was really gone it hit everyone at once. After the service about half the people there went to the after service, at the fairgrounds, friends and family members of Cody told jokes and stories about him jumping through windows, and running into walls, he was a goober and everyone knew it. Everyone loved him for who he was, I didn't know a single person that didn't get along with him. He was friendly and generous, hard-working, and persistent he always stood up for what he believed in and now he’s gone hopefully flying high in heaven or whatever our afterlife holds. Going back “home” Jackie and Tyler make it clear that they would get me or my brother anything if we need it but I easily fall asleep from crying all day. Looking back on the year I was in foster care I realize how much it shaped me and help me grow. Jackie and Tyler helped me change many of my bad habits and own up to my mistakes. They have always given me good advice on how to benefit myself and others. It may have seemed unpleasant at the time, but I know now that even stressful situations can positively impact someone's life in a good way if they choose to let it.
Every culture, tribe, and nation, from the north pole to the south, has a tradition or ritual practiced at a certain time and place. Every male within the Satere Mawe tribe must subject themselves to catching and wearing a palm leaf glove full of bullet ants. This ritual is done 20 times, ten minutes each time, helping each boy learn to enjoy the little things in life and take a step closer to manhood. They persevere and endure the pain slowly proving themselves to their tribe. Giving respect and appreciation for still being alive, being able to have a loving family and friends help them through this very painful situation. They realize that they have everything they need to survive and are content with their lifestyle. We Americans don’t do anything like this, when are boys considered men? We don’t have to prove ourselves or work for anything. In America, there's Christmas, Easter, and Halloween, but times that we get to dress up, feast, get free candy and gifts doesn’t prove anything to ourselves or the people around us. We don’t know who we are and we’ll never know when we've grown up if we don’t have heartbreaking, life-changing, soul-shaping moments to learn from and reflect on. We constantly criticize and complain about every little thing in life, when we should just be happy we have one. There is so much opportunity and growth waiting to happen on our part of the planet but we have to put effort into changing, appreciating, and loving. We have to learn to share and communicate, there are so many negative things we could eliminate from our lives in order to make it easier and more livable we just have to work together as a whole to find solutions to universal complications.
We, Humans, Are Capable of Greatness: You can’t learn until you make mistakes.
In the beginning, every human had to hunt food, gather supplies for shelter and warmth, and work hard towards new ideas for advancing their people. We all had to adapt to harsh environments and weather in order to survive. But in our society today most of these essential life skills have been lost. We humans take, lie, discourage, cheat, humiliate, hurt, and shame our own world and those around us. We try and explore the universe searching for new planets to inhabit, but if we can’t love and have peace on our own planet what right do we have to work toward venturing to a new one. It is essential for us to have our planet safe and in order before we go to another one and destroy it like we did our own. The only question is how long will we hate and criticize our world and ourselves because until we stop, who's to say we won’t take our negativity with us wherever we decide to venture next.
Big Bang: So much can be created from so little.
About 15 million years ago during the biggest explosion of all time, our universe expanded cooled and darkened creating energy that soon condensed into matter. The hydrogen atoms created pulled away from each other causing our galaxy to form. Within the galaxy, the first generation of burning balls of gas, mini suns floating above, soon to be called stars. creating a glow to light up the never-ending darkness of the universe. The explosion was over, yet nuclear fusion was creating atoms from deserted ash of hydrogen. Carbon, iron, silicon, and oxygen were the raw materials exhausted by stars when they died out. Soon cosmic gas became heavily crowded with various elements. Stars glowed from the minute they were created to the last dim spark for many years this process repeated until gravity pushed and pulled clouds condensing them into carbon-based molecules; rock and metal, dust and ice. Hydrogen had made “the stuff of life”. Organic molecules started to form made of star cooked atoms, molecules were made by chemistry and destroyed by light keeping the balance of the earth in motion. A molecule, by accident, rose, able to make copies of itself. The molecules became better and better at copying themselves and the molecules copied made more copies. This process occurred for multiple generations, natural selection had started. One-celled organisms produced multi celled colonies, some choosing to be stagnant and others choosing to roam free, some choosing dry land and others choosing water. From fish to reptiles, to mammals curious about their environment, humans evolved consciously learning how to make tools, fire, and other necessities. Communicating with a carefully constructed language, we learned to be “ourselves”, having to make our own decisions and live our own life. The ash from an explosion brought life, consciousness, and everything we know and see today. Science is the most effective tool we currently have to try and explain the unexplainable. Every new thing discovered must be reviewed by the laws of science, if it doesn’t match up with the facts, no matter how much it makes sense we have to revise or disregard it. I personally believe this could have happened but I don’t know and I probably never will.
Balance: Appreciate the little things in life.
Light and dark are two very powerful sources in our everyday life, from the sun and moon in our sky, to the little devil and angel on each of our shoulders. Only we have the decision to give in to the anger, greed, lies, superiority, and sorrow of our demons or the peace, love, kindness, truth, compassion, and confidence of our angels. Although we can choose whether to be inferior or righteous we don’t always make the “right” decision. The light and dark energies affecting us every minute of every hour of every day are creating balance in the universe and always have been. Light cannot be without dark and dark cannot be without light. I’ve had to work for everything since I was a kid, I wasn’t born in the best or worst life, but I know the less you suffer and struggle to reach a goal, the less you will appreciate the end reward.
Racial Socialization
Racial discrimination and injustice has been a big area of conflict for our country. Americans in the majority have been racists to minority ethnicities for centuries and it hasn’t stopped. We are taught how racism puts minorities at a disadvantage but not about the advantages of the majority. We are socialized to act calm and not speak our minds, but my identity has been constructed by many different people and experiences. Social and personal forces have pushed me to form my own opinions. My many struggles and accomplishments have helped assemble my identity.
The things other people notice are the parts of our identity that we capture and take in. Americans try to distinguish others by their uncontrollable differences including, ethnicity, gender, physical appearance, financial status, and disabilities. I am an African American but I am also a strong, caring, beautiful, independent, woman. I can be defined in many ways but society has made my blackness stand out the most. People don’t always know their being racist but when they describe me as “the black one” it shows that my color is a big factor of my identity and the factor most noticed. I have overcame many struggles and made many accomplishments some have impacted my life greatly and some not so much, but all my experiences have shaped me in seperate ways. I've learned that there's always gonna be someone more good looking than you, smarter than you, just overall better than you but you can't let that affect you. People are socialized by their society to be similar, we are all pushed to change for others, but you must liberate yourself and become your own person whether or not your accepted by society.
In the documentary “Burn Mothefucker Burn” I learned a lot about black oppression and how African Americans have been socialized by whites throughout time. During slavery whites thought of blacks as a “superior pet” we weren't even considered human in their eyes. After Lincoln freed the slaves in 1863, we were supposed to be separate but equal blacks had disgusting bathrooms, water fountains, and stores while whites were living it up in their fancy houses and buildings, with nice furniture. History proves that we weren't and still aren't equal. After the Rodney King beating in 91 blacks were waiting on the decision of the jury when the four cops were found not guilty people of color decided to treat the majority how they were born being treated. On April 29, 1992 there was a riot on the streets of Los Angeles blacks were standing up to whites and fighting back, looting, being violent and breaking and entering after years of unfair treatment.
African Americans are misrepresented in TV, movies, and the media, black roles include criminals, drug dealers, and people that rely on violence. Whites don’t recognize their privilege because they are taught not to. The majority race is always represented pleasantly, not followed or harassed in stores, more likely to get a job or house because of their name, etc. These stereotypes have been built up so much by the media that even I get followed in stores. Every ethnicity has people who steal, lie, and for damn sure do drugs so how are only blacks in the wrong? Changing black roles in movies now cannot reverse centuries of racial discrimination.
America is not a free country doors are opened for certain people, the dominant race is always in the right, will always be more powerful. We are told that whites made our country what it is today but they did it by stealing land and murdering innocent people, they thought it was their manifest destiny that America was blessed by god so it was theirs. White people have been manipulating and controlling minorities with fear. My watercolor art piece represents Durango and how up here in the mountains we don’t witness as much racial injustice than larger cities because there aren't nearly as many colored people. It doesn't change the fact that we still aren't as privileged as whites and probably never will be.
Heros Journey Reflection
The 2018 sophomore camping trip was a very needed experience for me. I personally think it helped me get to know my peers and elders in an astonishing way. I’m used to sitting in a desk all day listening to the teacher teach that’s normal for me, but stepping outside to learn from nature and in nature was different and enlightening. It helped broaden my perspective on how our world used to be, how the kids now part of history were taught, and how much that’s changed over the generations. I’m very grateful to my teachers who put the entire trip together because this trip challenged me and my peers physically, mentally, and emotionally to be involved and try new things.
When I was first told about the camping trip at school I didn’t really want to go. I didn’t know how it was going to be and I hardly ever camp. I never went on past school camping trips either, but once I heard how much time and effort was spent by my teachers to organize the first sophomore camping trip I immediately started thinking about if I should go. I had my doubts and almost didn't go but I now realize that the moment I said to myself “I am going to go on this trip” was the beginning of my hero’s journey. In the split second it took my mom and me to sign the permission slip I was answering my call to adventure. I stepped out of my comfort zone yet I still felt completely comfortable in nature unclouded with society and social media.
I switched to Animas high school to have more structure and interaction with my friends and teachers, I wanted to incorporate my creativity and beliefs into my projects and assignments. Once I switched to Animas I immediately got to know my whole sophomore class, Animas encouraged me to work up to my full potential and have faith in myself. The camping trip was a journey that furthermore prepared me to never give up. During the night hike we went on the first night of the camping trip I really thought about how to be a good leader and have integrity. I feel that everyone connected that night through music, history, and nature. As hoped, talking about these topics helped me grow closer to my peers and elders.
When I approached the cliff right before I was about to repel my stomach dropped, I’ve only been repelling once so I was still pretty worked up. I had to have a lot of faith in my guid and myself. The most difficult part of repelling was taking the first step. Metaphorically speaking the first step is usually the hardest in almost every situation we face, but in order to get to the best part you got to go through the worst. Once I was a couple steps down it was like walking on a wall it was fun, throughout the time I was repelling down that cliff I realized how courageous I was. I looked and took in everything around me the smells, sounds, sights, and what I felt. The cold breeze I felt through my jacket, the feeling of the rope sliding in my hands, and I thought this is all up to me everything I will do and have done will always be up to me and I have to own it.
In the evening of my second day at camp I had to move my tent. I didn’t want to move my tent after I set it up because i wasn’t really trying to be that involved but I had to get over it in order to make the trip cost less. It was kind of a lot of work but I had to do the right thing to help out my elders. After I moved my tent I started talking to more people and being more social I made new friends and my relationships grew.
The camping trip was an opportunity for me to try new things and learn new ways to learn. I enjoyed being in my peers presence and having fun while learning new things.